His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize