After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize