Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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