Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
