I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
