so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
These tits shall not be calmed
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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