i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
