Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just cropdusted the office
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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