the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
