She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
