I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize