I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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