so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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