Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There's always time for handjobs
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Randomize
