just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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