Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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