I wish they made helmets for livers.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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