your parents love me but you hate me
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
