well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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