I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
