if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
