Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
