i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize