true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
