oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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