my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize