i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
