11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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