it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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