every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
