I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
