I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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