grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize