Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
