Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
