wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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