how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
and she was petting her beer can
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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