did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
