girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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