I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize