xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
