her vagine was all disorganized.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
