his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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