Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
