Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
