please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
