My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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