i wish peter jackson would direct porn
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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