...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
