I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
