My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
