It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
