my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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