Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
