her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
