apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize