yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
