I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
