you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
did i walk over a car last night?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
