You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
it's like heaven, but drunker
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
