Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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