Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
