drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
